I don’t really know how to put this feeling I have into words.  All of my friends have now graduated college, and have degrees.  I’m in Afghanistan with no degree.  All of the “kids” I was in ROTC with at Clemson have now become Commissioned Officers in the Army.  I feel like I’ll never amount to anything.  I’ve been experiencing this feeling a lot recently (in case you didn’t pick that up from my last post).  This has become mentally, physically, and emotionally draining for me.

This feeling applies to my family relationship.  They’re all so proud of me, but I didn’t turn out the way they expected me to turn out.  My cousin is going to FSU and will be a med scholar student.  I’m proud of him.  I’m proud of my brothers.  They excel at everything they touch.  My whole family is much better than me when I was their age.  I hate that they look up to me, just because I’m the oldest.  I hate that.  I absolutely hate it.  I feel like they worship me because they’ve put me up on a pedestal.  It drives me up a wall.  I hate that they can’t really see me the way that I see me.  If only they could, I’d feel so much better if they still accepted me.  The truth is, even though I am the oldest, I’m not any superlative.  I’m not most successful, funniest, best looking, most intelligent, most musically talented, or most artistically talented.  I have the most tattoos, and I’ve spent the most time as an enlisted soldier.  In fact, I’m the only one who enlisted.  My parents have four children, and they somehow supplied us with a gorgeous house with a huge, pristine yard, in an incredible community.  My father is one of the most honorable men that I know, and my mother the most generous, loving, forgiving, beautiful woman I know.  I don’t think I’ll ever meet anyone like her or be successful as my father.  I just don’t see it happening.  I don’t know if I’m just depressed because I’ve been here for so long, or if this is an obstacle that I was destined to overcome.  Either way, I’m ready to snap out of it, and I hope that seeing my family will change that.  I really miss home.

I Will Never Give You the CD I Made for You

I’ve always had feelings for you, but it seems like it isn’t meant to be.  I don’t want to give up, but I don’t think it’s in the cards.  Maybe this is supposed to be one of those wonderful friendships.  Or maybe this is just me being crazy.  I think it’s just me being crazy.  In fact, I’m sure it is.  I don’t think I’ll ever tell you, and I know you won’t read this, so I guess I’m not too worried about it.  And if you are reading this, don’t worry…it’s not about you. 

I’ll never give you the CD I made for you.  I’ll never sing you the songs I wrote about you, even though you’re all that I think about when I play my lame instruments.  You’re what I think about when I work out.  It keeps me going, knowing that I’ll be able to maybe, hopefully, one day, slightly resemble a guy that a girl as pretty and wonderful as you deserves.  The truth of the matter is I don’t think that I’m good enough for you.  You’re selfless, Godly, grateful, kind, tolerant, calm, funny, pretty, and very easy to be around.  I’m just some soldier who won’t ever be around to provide what you need.  I don’t have a college degree, and I don’t make the paycheck that a girl like you deserves. 

I’ve gone seriously out of my way for you, and I’ll continue to do that even when you don’t see it.  I don’t need your thanks; just knowing that I’ve helped you in some way is enough for me.  All things considered, I really haven’t done that much for you, but it’s been a lot for me.  Whatever.  I’m tired of rambling.

I’d pick you over Taylor Swift any day.

So, I’ve decided I’m not going to tell you how I feel.  Yet.  I figure you could always use a friend, and I know for sure you want that right now, anyways.  Actually, I’ll probably never tell you how I feel.  I’m not sure.  My favorite thing in the world right now is “The Office.”  That show is hilarious.  But, it also gives me hope that the good guy could win.  Eventually.  Jim and Pam are so awesome together.  I know that we aren’t BEST friends like they are, and I’ll also admit that it is a staged script, but still…I’ve done more for you than I would anyone else.  I would kiss a tarantula if it meant your smile.  I totally want nothing more in my life than to be the best husband and father.  Everything in this life boils down to love.  Loving someone, and having someone love you back on an unprecedented level has got to be incredible.  I’m rambling.  I guess what I want to say is that I’m okay with being the good guy for now.  And always.  But, I have to trust that in the end, the good guy finishes first.  It would be even better if the good guy gets to finish first in this lifetime, too.  Also, I’m having to go out on a limb and trust that if God wants it to happen, He’ll provide me the opportunity and the perfect timing to make it happen.  I think about you every day.  I’ve got your picture on my dogtags, so you’re always kinda with me.  I love the picture you sent; it’s on my mirror.  Now I’m really rambling.  I’m quitting now.  While I’m behind.  Before I get even further behind.  Dang.  Done.

How I Really Feel. (Euphemized)

What the hell is wrong with us?  We pay billions of dollars every year to athletes and celebrities, while the true servants get nothing.  What about the teachers?  What about the soldiers?  What about the lovers, musicians and artists?  We struggle every day to find the meaning, while you throw yours at the TV.  Why do you stand for this?  Why do you let this happen?  Why does the talentless pop “singer” have to donate to a charity for us?  Don’t you find that disgusting?  Am I crazy?

I don’t care about Lady Gaga, Ke$ha, or Chad Ochocinco.  Lebron James and Tiger Woods have done nothing great with their lives other than play with balls better than me.  The true heroes and legends are the teachers, the soldiers, the firefighters.  The ones who daily sacrifice their lives to better those of others.  It truly offends me to know that people don’t really give a fuck what goes on behind the scenes every day.  I’m not a selfish person.  I don’t want your thanks.  I want you to get off of your couch and do something to give back.  Thank a teacher for how they are transforming your child’s mind and life.  Thank a soldier for being willing to die for you, so that you can sit on the couch watching American Idol, wholly oblivious to the fact that soldiers get blown up daily by car bombs, teachers get evicted because they can’t afford rent, and another firefighter dies while going into a burning building to save a child.

Do something with your life today.  Please.  If nothing else, thank a veteran.  Thank a teacher.  Make an effort.

Why do I feel this way?  I hate this feeling.  Ya know, the feeling of being forced to grow up?  I don’t really want to grow up.  I want to be an officer, but at the same time, I’m comfortable with where I’m at in the enlisted ranks.  People don’t expect a lot from me, so it’s easier for me to exceed their expectations…for now.  Eventually, even if I stay enlisted, I will accrue more responsibility.  Right now I’m comfortable with only two or three bills to pay.  I’m comfortable with free food at the DFAC’s.  I’m comfortable with living in the barracks for free; no water bills, no electricity bills, just internet and phone bills.  I guess the reason I don’t want to grow up and get more responsibility is because I’m scared to let people down.  I don’t want to get into that position and disappoint people who depend on me.  I’m scared of failure.  It’s not weak of me to admit to, because everyone fears failure to some extent, but it is weak of me to want to stay in my comfortable bubble, and keep within the boundaries of what I know to be true.  I really hope when the time comes for me to go, I’ll take that step.  But I’m glad the time isn’t now, because I don’t know how I’d do.

Men’s Come Again Tank (White) | IM King | 80′s Purple

Men’s Come Again Tank (White) | IM King | 80′s Purple.

i want this…kinda hardcore…

buy me this shirt.  someone.  i want it pretty hxc. thanks byeeeeee.